I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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