I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
