DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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