Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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