I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
