so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize