I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize