Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
