Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
