One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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