I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
