he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
