Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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