Got a toothbrush?
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
