first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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