I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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