She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
