2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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