I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Randomize
