is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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