I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
