Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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