Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
