I CAN MOONWALK!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
