Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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