Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
