I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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