Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
