My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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