This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
