I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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