You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
