I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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