Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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