I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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