at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
