saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
