totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
