Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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