It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
