mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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