dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
