I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
