My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
