I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
