I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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