I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We had sex on a dog bed..
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize