are you so shy because you have an std?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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