Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
