I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Randomize
