Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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