not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
