there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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