Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
