Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize