This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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