two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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