Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
