ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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