All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
