he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
time to smoke my breakfast
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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