Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
